What to say to a grieving person: a simple guide

a woman is sitting next to an older man on a porch .

When somebody we care about is dealing with a loss, we often find ourselves at a loss for words. We want to be comforting. We want to make them feel better somehow. At the very least, we don’t want to say anything that makes them feel worse.

It’s easy to resort to clichés – the same types of things that we’ve heard others say in the past. Sometimes that’s OK, and sometimes those very clichés are actually a little bit destructive.

We’ve put together a quick guide for you of some good things to say to a grieving friend and some others you might want to avoid.

Five things to say to a grieving person

“I’m sorry for your loss.” To-the-point and honest, this is one of those clichés that stands the test of time.

“Let me help you with _______.” Rather than asking your grieving friend what she’d like help with, simply make a suggestion. “Let me take care of mowing your lawn for the next few weeks.” “I’m running to the store, how about I grab you some groceries?” It can be difficult for a griever to ask for help or to specify what she needs. If you see opportunities to help, just offer.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Your friend may not be ready to discuss how he’s feeling just yet, but if he is, lending an ear can be a major benefit to his recovery. Offer to listen. If he says he’s not ready, accept that answer. If he is ready, really listen, and try not to interject with “you should”s.

“Can I tell you my favorite memory with your loved one?” This is an easy, genuine way to help your friend celebrate the life of the one they lost.

“I’m here for you if you need me for anything.” Loss can make the griever feel lonely. Just letting them know that they have a friend willing to pick up the phone at any time can be enormously soothing.

 
Five things not to say to a grieving person

“It was her time.” Any statement insinuating that your friend’s loss was necessary or intentional should be avoided. You would never tell a sick friend that it was “just her time” to get sick, would you? Along those same lines…

“This was a part of God’s plan.” This one, like “It was her time,” assumes that your friend’s loss was purposeful. It also assumes that you know something about the loss that she doesn’t. Sometimes hard things happen, and we don’t know why. That’s OK to recognize.

“You need to stay strong.” Your friend is allowed to feel however he feels. If he wants to cry, he should be allowed to. If he shuts down emotionally, that’s his right, too. Stay by his side if you can, but don’t force a griever to grieve in any particular way.

“He is in a better place.” No matter what your beliefs, in the eyes of the one grieving, the very best place for their lost loved one to be would be here on Earth, alive.

"I know how you feel.” Everybody’s situation is different. Although you’ve probably experienced something similar to what your friend is going through, you don’t know exactly how they feel, and saying that you do diminishes their experience. Better would be to say, “I don’t know how you’re feeling, but I’m here for you.”

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Losing a loved one is an emotional and challenging time, and navigating the funeral process can feel overwhelming. Whether it’s your first time making funeral arrangements or you’re unsure about certain aspects of the process, it’s natural to have many questions. Understanding the typical procedures and options available can help ease the burden during this difficult time. Here are some of the most frequently asked funeral questions and their answers to guide you through the process. 1. What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service? A funeral typically involves a ceremony held with the body of the deceased present, either before or during burial or cremation. It often includes a viewing or wake, where family and friends can pay their respects. A memorial service , on the other hand, takes place after the body has been buried or cremated and does not involve the presence of the body. Memorial services may be held in various settings, such as homes, churches, or other venues, and can be personalized to reflect the life of the deceased. 2. What is embalming, and is it required? Embalming is a process that involves preserving the body to delay decomposition, usually for viewing purposes. It is not legally required in most places but may be necessary if the body is to be displayed at a public service or transported over long distances. In cases where there will be no viewing, embalming is typically not needed. However, certain states or countries may have regulations about embalming or the timing of burial. It’s important to check with the funeral home to determine what’s required in your area. 3. How much does a funeral cost? The cost of a funeral can vary greatly depending on factors like location, the type of service, and the funeral home you choose. There are options to help manage funeral expenses, such as cremation (which can be less expensive than burial), choosing a less elaborate service, or purchasing a funeral plan in advance. 4. What is cremation, and how does it differ from burial? Cremation involves the process of reducing the body to ashes. Many people choose cremation for its simplicity, lower cost, and flexibility in how the ashes can be kept, scattered, or interred. Some people opt for a cremation memorial service, where the ashes are present but there is no body. Burial , on the other hand, involves placing the body in a casket and then burying it in a cemetery. This option may include the purchase of a grave plot, headstone, and other related services. The choice between cremation and burial depends on personal, cultural, and religious preferences. 5. What are the steps in planning a funeral? Planning a funeral typically involves the following steps: Notify family and friends : Reach out to close family and friends and inform them of the passing. Choose a funeral home : Select a funeral home to help with arrangements, including embalming (if applicable), obtaining necessary permits, and coordinating transportation. Select the type of service : Decide on whether you want a funeral, memorial, or graveside service. You’ll also need to choose the location and any religious or cultural elements to incorporate. Choose a casket or urn : Select a casket for burial or an urn for cremation. There are many styles and price ranges to choose from. Plan the ceremony : Work with the funeral director to plan the service, including music, readings, eulogies, and floral arrangements. Arrange for transportation : The funeral home will coordinate the transportation of the body to the service and burial or cremation site. 6. Should I pre-plan a funeral? Pre-planning a funeral is a personal choice. Many people choose to pre-plan to relieve their loved ones of the burden of making arrangements during a time of grief. Pre-planning allows you to specify your wishes for the service, casket, burial, and other aspects of the funeral, ensuring your desires are respected. Additionally, pre-paying for a funeral can help protect your family from rising costs in the future. However, it’s important to carefully consider pre-planning options, as funeral costs can vary, and you’ll want to ensure that the plan is flexible and fully understood by the family members who will carry out your wishes. 7. What are the options for scattering ashes? If you choose cremation, there are many options for what to do with the ashes: Scattering : Many people choose to scatter the ashes in a location that had significance to the deceased, such as a favorite park, beach, or nature spot. Keepsake urns : Some families choose to keep a portion of the ashes in a special urn or piece of jewelry. Interment : Ashes can be interred in a family plot or at a cemetery, either in a niche or within a memorial garden. Other creative options : There are many creative options for commemorating the deceased, including turning ashes into diamonds or using them to create a memorial reef. 8. What is a death certificate, and why is it important? A death certificate is an official document issued by a governmental authority that confirms the death of a person. It is essential for handling legal and financial matters, such as settling the deceased’s estate, claiming life insurance, and closing accounts. The funeral home typically assists in obtaining several copies of the death certificate. 9. Can I personalize a funeral service? Absolutely! Many families choose to personalize the funeral service to reflect the deceased's personality, passions, or hobbies. You can incorporate meaningful music, photos, special readings, or even display personal items that were important to the deceased. The funeral director can help guide you through creative options for personalization. 10. What should I do if I can’t attend the funeral? If you’re unable to attend the funeral in person, consider sending flowers, a sympathy card, or making a charitable donation in the deceased’s honor. If the family holds a memorial service, they may also offer the option to participate virtually, such as through a livestream. It’s always thoughtful to express your condolences in any way possible. Funeral planning can be complex, but understanding the answers to these frequently asked questions can help make the process easier to navigate. Whether you are arranging a funeral for a loved one or pre-planning your own, it’s important to take the time to make informed decisions. By doing so, you can create a meaningful, respectful ceremony that honors the life and memory of the deceased, while providing comfort to those who are grieving.
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